THOUGHT LEADERSHIP

Eventually, she said, “You said ‘um’ a lot in there. Were you aware of that?” Inwardly I was relieved because that didn’t seem so bad. I waved my hand as if to brush off the statement and said, “Yeah, it’s a verbal tic, no big deal.” Then she said, “I know a great speech coach. I know Google would pay for it. Would you like an introduction?” I made the brushoff gesture again and said I was too busy to meet with a speech coach. At that point, she stopped walking, looked right at me, and said, “I can see from the way you’re waving me off that I’m going to have to be a lot more direct with you. When you say ‘um’ every third word in your presentations, it makes you sound stupid.”

That got my attention. And I went to the speech coach.

A lot of people might think it was mean of her to say that I sounded stupid, but it was the kindest thing she could have done for me at that moment of my career. If she hadn’t used just those words with me—and by the way, someone else might not have needed those words—I wouldn’t have gone to the speech coach. And I wouldn’t have realized that she was not exaggerating. I literally said ‘um’ every third word.

This was real news to me because I had been giving presentations throughout my entire career. I had raised millions of dollars for two different startups giving presentations. I thought I was pretty good at it. So I wondered, why had no one told me? And what was it about my boss that made it so seemingly easy for her to give me such a memorable dose of Radical Candor? It’s important to note that when she delivered the feedback, she didn’t personalize it. She didn’t say I was stupid. She said saying “um” made me sound stupid. There’s a difference.

Sometimes we challenge someone directly but fail to show them that we care personally. That results in Obnoxious Aggression. When we realize we’ve been a jerk or fallen into obnoxious aggression, we often wind up in the worst place of all: Manipulative Insincerity. This means you’re neither caring personally nor challenging directly. It’s a false apology, or acting with apathy, or those moments when people behave in a political way, backstabbing, or being passive-aggressive.

Most mistakes that get made in the workplace happen in the final quadrant, where you do care personally about the other person, but because you’re so worried about hurting their feelings, you fail to tell them something they really would be better off knowing. You fail to challenge them directly. I call this quadrant Ruinous Empathy.

One of the worst moments in my career was when I had to fire a team member whom everyone loved. He was a great guy, but his work was subpar. For the 10 months he worked with us, I failed him by not telling him directly when his work wasn’t good enough. When I let him go, I made myself a very solemn promise that I would never make that mistake again, and I would do everything in my power to help everyone around me avoid making that mistake as well.

Begin Practicing Radical Candor

Behavior change is hard. And Radical Candor does require behavior change, because most people have a habit of silence when it comes to calling out problems—as well as when it comes to providing praise. Very few people change their lives around a philosophy. You need to identify specific things you can do. Here are some concrete ways to think about giving and receiving guidance.

Solicit Feedback

Radical Candor is not solely about bosses giving feedback to employees. In fact, it starts by soliciting feedback up, down, and sideways. You start by asking for feedback because you need to prove you can take it before you start dishing it out. One of the best moments to solicit Radical Candor, especially from the people who work for you, is in a one-on-one meeting.

Come up with a go-to question you can use. One I like is, “What could I do, or stop doing, that would make it easier to work with me?” The key thing is to show people that you really want to know the answer. It’s not just a pro forma, “Do you have any feedback for me?” If you ask that, you’re wasting your breath. Nobody at work wants to give you feedback.

When people do speak up, listen with the intent to understand, not to respond. Manage your own natural tendency to feel defensive. Try saying, “Just to make sure I understand…” and then say it back to them, respectfully. You want to make the person feel heard.

Finally, reward the candor. If you agree with the feedback, this is easy. You fix the problem and let people know. “Thanks so much to Joe for telling me about this problem. Here’s what I’ve done to fix it. Have I gone far enough?”

If you disagree with the feedback, however, it’s a little more complicated to figure out how to reward the candor. Find whatever five or ten percent there is in what the person said that you do agree with and point that out, and then say you’ll get back to them. You’ll want to explain why you disagree with what was said. Give a respectful, longer explanation of why you disagree. Disagreements can be great ways to strengthen relationships—what really destroys relationships is when you make people feel invisible.